I cannot find my penis.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
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