he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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