I don't usually arrange sex via text message
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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