Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
what day is it and did you see me today?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
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Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
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He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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