im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
the raccoons are back...
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