Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
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He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
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He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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