He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
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She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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