The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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