those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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