we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
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woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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