I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
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Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
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She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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