If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
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I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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