last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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