The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize