k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
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Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
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he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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