I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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