my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
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