Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
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He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
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But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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