I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
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She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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