you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
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Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
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When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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