I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
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Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
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Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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