he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
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He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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