Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
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Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
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Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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