I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
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I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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