im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
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No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
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I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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