I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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