I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize