Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
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Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
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Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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