Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize