You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
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he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
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she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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