from now on my penis is your penis
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize