There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
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Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
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I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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