Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
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i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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