She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
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We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
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I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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