I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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