Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
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I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize