Kiss
Puke
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
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I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
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My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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