The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
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She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
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She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I need a beard to bite.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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