Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
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no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
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The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
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