i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
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in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
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So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
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