My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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