a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I hate all girls vehemently.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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