I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
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I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
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He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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