Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
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I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
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I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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