saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
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Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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