i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
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reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
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I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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