I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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