You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
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Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
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He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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