When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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