Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
So squirting runs in the family.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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